Disclaimer

    For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

Christianese

Small Group

In Christian circles, “Small Group” is the new, seeker-friendly phrase for “Bible Study” and allows Christians to tell people they are attending a religious function without sounding self-righteous or judgmental. While this re-branding may work in some instances, changing a word here and a phrase there can only do so much. If the Christian involved… read more »

“I’ll pray for you”

This phrase commonly used by Christians is best translated as follows: “Ummm… good luck with that.” or “Better you than me.” Ironically, despite the claims and possible intention to drop to one’s knees in prayer, the actual act of praying is never done. It is most certainly never done on the spot and while it… read more »

Blessed

When Jesus of Nazareth walked this earth, he often spoke of people who were blessed. His list of those who were—or would be—blessed, included the meek, the poor in spirit and those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. Modern Christianity often despises these people, choosing instead to hijack the term Jesus bestowed on them for… read more »

Walk

This can be a particularly confusing part of Christian speech. It will often play itself out as follows: Christian A: Good mornin’, brother. How’s your walk with the Lord today? Christian B: My walk is just great, and I have just been really blessed by some great quiet time lately. How’s your walk? Christian A:… read more »

Sin

Surprisingly, this three-letter word is on the whole more horrifying, vulgar and foul than all of the so-called four-letter words combined. Ask any agnostic who has ever been chased through a stadium parking lot by a lunatic waving a Bible and a tract what they think of the word, and they will begin to tremble,… read more »

Saved

This is a favorite word of most modern Christians. Most can while away hours in a Bible study talking about how they “got saved,” how others need to “get saved” and how they are so thankful to be “saved.” Unfortunately, no one seems to remember what they were saved from. In fact, most think they… read more »

Quiet Time

Right around the turn of the century, Christians stopped referring to private worship or private prayer as worship or prayer. Instead, they chose to use the phrase “Quiet Time.” Thus, saving them the embarrassment of admitting they pray or worship in their homes. It was also a neat way for the religious right to further… read more »

Prayer Life

Since most Christians are uneasy talking about the struggles they or others may face in life, they have conveniently compartmentalized various aspects, such as spiritual life, prayer life and thought life. This makes it easy to not have to actually let on that the whole of their lives are filled with inner turmoil and obvious struggle…. read more »

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