For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

Joel Osteen

When evaluating the complex question of whether or not lifeforms from other planets have landed on Earth and may, in fact, be residing on the planet disguised as one of the inhabitants of Earth, one must seriously consider the existence of Joel Osteen.

There is something oddly un-human about the size of this man’s smile and the amount of time he commits to the act of smiling. The smile itself is  also unusual in that it is an odd cross between the smile of a used-car salesman, a pre-school teacher, and the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

In case you have not encountered this unforgettable smile, you can find it at Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. However, if you are the victim of a flood, or in need of food, clothing, shelter, or any other thing Jesus might have told his followers to provide for you, Pastor Osteen will be unable to provide it to you.

If you are in search of empty promises of prosperity, a few corny jokes, and a positive message lacking in substance, you might find a home at Lakewood. Also, if you just happen to visit and get hypnotized by that smile and are unable to leave your seat, you may stay, provided you agree to tithe.

Recently, Osteen caught a generous amount of Hell for not opening the doors of his stadium-sized church to flood victims in his own community, thinking that prayer and platitudes were more Christlike than providing a warm meal and a bed. In this particular instance, Osteen found that smiling does not always make the world smile with you.

Photo by shadysidelantern


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