Disclaimer

    For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”


Donald Trump


Donald Trump is currently the Entertainer in Chief of the United States. He is also the Commander-In-Chief of a well-trained army of Russian Twitter bots who form the foundation of his support, which is built largely using misdirection, conjecture, propaganda, and distraction.

His road to the White House was paved with disorganization on behalf of both political parties and the unheard cries of an American public who had simply had enough of run-of-the-mill politics and news cycles. Of course, now the news cycle simply does not slow down because it is the mission of Mr. Trump to distract the American public from the moves and actions of its true president, Vladimir Putin.

Trump, who affectionately refers to himself as “The Donald,” is rumored to have an ego that extends just beyond Neptune. It is also rumored that much like former President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Donald once stepped inside the Total Perspective Vortex — a device designed to show normal beings with just an ounce of humility where they stand in the universe by showing the totality of creation with a tiny dot that says “you are here” — and walked out of it unscathed, simply saying, “The Universe things I’m pretty great. Did you see it? All those planets, stars, suns and moons, and the only thing labeled was the spot where I stood. I am clearly the greatest thing in all the universe and it’s just bigly amazing to see that.” (He then proceeded to rant for two hours about everything from the need for a wall around the Milky Way Galaxy to how big the crowd at his inauguration was.

In a more recent incident of The Donald bucking the galaxy, during the recent solar eclipse, he decided to stare directly at the sun, as though challenging it to burn his eyes. While it may not be known for quite some time whether or not this act of rebellion did in fact burn his eyes, it will certainly make him no less blind to reality.

While on the topic of the 2017 solar eclipse, it should be noted that more Americans took part in eclipse viewings and parties than attended the inauguration of Donald Trump.

Appearance-wise, The Donald resembles a strange creature native to an asteroid in the Kepler Belt known as the Oompa Loompa, which was brought to earth by yet another egomaniac, Willy Wonka. The Donald, of course, has the same complexion, but has wilder and more washed out hair due to what must be some sort of breeding disaster. The Oompa Loompa, who only speak in song, have this to say about their distant relative:

Oompa loompa doompety doo
I’ve got a little riddle for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

What of a man who just constantly tweets
And awkward handshakes with the people he meets?
Such tiny hands, and a silly red hat,
What do you think will come of that?
I don’t like the look of it
Oompa loompa doompety da
With help from Putin he will go far
He will build a wall just for you
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Doompety do

So far, Trump’s single-greatest accomplishment came on the afternoon of August 18, 2017, when he told top advisor Steve Bannon, “get the behind me, Satan” and gave him his walking papers. It is presumed Bannon will return to whatever cavern of Hades he initially emerged from.

Trump has most recently engaged himself in a war of words against the NFL, in which he is the only participant. His loyal followers, predictably, have rushed to his side, despite the fact that Trump voters are by-and-large “youuuuge fans” of the NFL. This has prompted some observers to wonder if Mr. Trump’s sudden distaste for the NFL has more to do with a bet that he can turn his sheep against a sport they are loyal to and less to do with patriotism as he claims.

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