For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”

Mitch McConnell

Deep in the backwoods of Kentucky lives one of the strangest and most bizarre creatures ever known to mankind, a strange hybrid of a man and a turtle known as Mitch McConnell.

The creature walks, talks and moves slow. When struck either by a physical or verbal blow he is equally slow to react. This is a vital and unchangeable part of his nature, however, unlike an old western hero, McConnell’s slowness seldom leads to his sauntering onto the scene to save the day.

Usually, when McConnell — very slowly — enters the Senate chambers, it is to bring some fresh new nonsensical havoc into the lives of the Americans he allegedly serves.

To the human tortoise’s critics, he is a spineless and ineffective waffler who needs to be replaced. Incidentally this is the view of both Republicans and Democrats. In fact, McConnell’s only supporters are from his home state of Kentucky, and likely only keep re-electing him because he offers them some of Mitch’s Kentucky Shine in exchange for their votes.

McConnell is currently the Senate majority leader and is on the outs with Donald Trump. This is, of course, not unusual, considering the occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s volatile nature, and the two will probably be working together as though no rift occurred very shortly. McConnell, as is the nature of turtle-men, will of course compromise 100 percent.

Photo by Goat4421


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