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    For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of a hitchhiker’s guide, or who do not understand sarcasm, the primary purpose of this website is humor or parody. While the information here can and should be informative, it should also be taken with a rather large grain of salt.

    Should you find anything in this guide that you disagree with or in fact know to be false, please do remember the golden rule first laid out in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”


Ted Cruz


Ted Cruz is a rather dislikable sort of fellow. He has largely made a career out of making absolutely certain that no one outside of his home state, whether they identify as Republican or Democrat, will like him.

While he was the last man standing against Donald Trump in the 2016 republican primary, this is largely due to the fact that many republicans disliked Trump, and all the other candidates had fizzled out, leaving only a reality television star and a career politician with no friends.

Cruz is probably best suited to be a mortician, considering his contempt for other human beings and his patented funeral home director’s half-smile.

Also during the 2016 primary, Donald Trump raised concerns about Cruz’s citizenship, a running theme for The Donald who has some odd preoccupation with birth certificates, crowd sizes, and tanning beds. Despite being born in Canada, Cruz is most likely a natural-born citizen by virtue of the fact that his mother was an American citizen, it is debatable whether or not Cruz is in fact of this world. It is entirely possible that he is an alien from a planet in the Omega Centauri cluster, who just can’t seem to adapt properly to human skin.

Residents from this cluster of the universe tend to visit earth for it’s amazing women and its pornography industry, both of which Mr. Cruz is apparently a fan. The senator from Texas, which is also quite out of this world, recently liked a pornographic tweet — or rather — his account liked a pornographic tweet. Cruz, of course, has blamed an un-named “staffer” for this indiscretion committed on his behalf.

It is, of course, highly unlikely the Distinguished Gentleman from the Omega Centauri Cluster will suffer any consequence of this, as most within and outside of his party already believe him to be a thoroughly despicable political specimen. Coupled with the fact that he has no friends outside of the lone star state, one could argue that he has already suffered a massive set of consequences just by being himself.

Photo by DonkeyHotey

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